It is no secret that many marriages feel immense pressure and can even fall apart due to the death of a child. I can completely understand why. For my husband, Brandon, and I this really started when our third daughter Gabriella was diagnosed with a terminal genetic condition. That’s when the grieving started for us, and grief was in no way the same for me or my husband.
Everyone changes throughout the course of a marriage, but rarely so sudden and complete. So, you really do have to get to know each other again in one of life’s worst tragedies imaginable. No two people grieve the same even when they are grieving the same loss. The reality is, the way you deal and cope with grief will look different and even the cycle you find yourself in, may be different to that of your partner.
For myself personally, my way to cope was and is to talk about our journey and my daughter as much as I could. For my husband, he did talk, but was more protective with who he shared it with. It does not mean that because he didn’t talk as much about her as I did that he was not hurting.
There are so many factors that impact how we grieve. My experience is, that women tend to grieve more deeply and in an intense manner for longer periods of time, with men focusing on tasks and being strong for their family. Honestly, in my experience I did feel some resentment to my husband. This was more in regards to the different roles we took on. I dealt with palliative care and felt angry cause that was my only choice and I had to have hard conversations and felt like I always had to be prepared for the worst. Brandon took on the role of showing so much love and laughter through such a time of despair and darkness. I realise now these different roles we took on were because I started the grieving process the day our daughter Gabriella was diagnosed, and Brandon started the grieving process the day she died. Two different individuals at different cycles, grieving differently and coping differently but both experiencing the same loss.
So, with that all said I often ask myself the question, “how did we survive something like this?” The answer is that there were many days I thought our family would fall apart. What worked for us was putting our children and our marriage first above and beyond everything. That means saying no to lots of things because we couldn’t do it. Communication is key. Telling your partner exactly how you are feeling and coming to the realisation that we are each other’s best therapists. Knowing that even though our grief will never look the same and we cope differently, that’s okay. We both still hurt and we both still loved, and we both are just trying to survive another day.
Our love for each other and our children is what helps us survive another day in a world of darkness.
Hayley
