Christmas means different things for different people – a religious and cultural celebration, an eagerly awaited break from the daily grind of work, seasonal feasts or just Santa Claus and presents. The common element we all share though, is the notion that Christmas is all about spending time with family, friends and loved ones.
But how do you cope if you’ve lost a child who has always been a part of this annual celebration?
Children’s Health Queensland social worker and bereavement coordinator Emma Walkinshaw recognises that the Christmas, New Year season can be one of the hardest times of the year for grieving families.
“The holiday period can amplify the absence of your child from your family and festive rituals, intensifying your feelings of loss and grief.
It can feel contradictory for parents, siblings, and other family members to celebrate the concept of family, when a child is so palpably missing,” she says.
“It can also be immensely difficult for families to muster joy at a time of great grief.”
It’s OK to hold on to your grief during the holiday season
Author and expert on healing and loss, David Kessler explains it’s not the grief you want to avoid, it’s the pain: “Grief and grieving are the way out of pain.
“Grief is an internal feeling and mourning is its external expression.”
Kessler says it’s important to give your feelings a time, a purpose and a place.
For example:
- Offer a prayer or take a moment before Christmas lunch or dinner to hold your child purposively in your thoughts. Say their name out loud or set their place at the table as a recognition that they remain present.
- Light a candle for your absent loved one.
- Share a favourite story, a treasured memory or say what you had hoped the occasion would look like if your child was present.
He recommends also having a festive season back-up plan that you can revert to if a get-together with family and friends doesn’t feel right for you on the day. This could involve retreating home, watching a movie or just spending quiet time looking through photos, or possibly visiting a special place.
Remember there is no right or wrong way to navigate these events and you can decide what is right for you and your family, even if you change your mind a few times.
Sharing your experiences
It can be helpful and healing to speak to other grieving families to find out what has helped them navigate Christmas and other special occasions in the past.
The Children’s Health Queensland Bereaved Parents Consumer Advisory Group (CAG) offered some suggestions and advice that helped them.
- Find ways to recognise your child whether it’s hanging personalised ornaments or a stocking representing them near the tree. You can even buy your child a gift or perhaps donate a present to charity in memory of them.
- If you are Christmas shopping, try and pick low traffic times which are easier to navigate and there are fewer “happy families” around. This also applies to grocery shopping.
- Try not to have any expectations as to how you will feel from moment to moment, also don’t feel pressured to be here, there and everywhere throughout the season. It’s ok to say no.
- Be prepared for people to say “silly” or insensitive things, and remember they are usually coming from a kind place. Your patience may also be thinner and your emotions heightened regardless of how long it’s been.
- Be aware of the family photos and happy times that others will share on social media. If you find this difficult, consider staying away from social media.
- Remember December 25 is just another day and will only last 24 hours.
Christmas and New Year are some of the roughest terrain to be navigated after the loss of a much-loved child. The ways to experience these occasions are as individual as you are. What’s most important is to just be present for the loss, in whatever form it may take over the festive season.
Traditions will change – just like you have
It’s normal to feel as though you and your family might never be able to enjoy these special occasions ever again. Don’t fear this new reality or let it overwhelm you but acknowledge it and try to focus on how you will carry your cherished memories forward with you and make new traditions.
David Kessler says Christmas and other important dates will “certainly never be the same as before your loved one’s death. However, in time, most people are able to find meaning again in the traditions as a new form of the holiday spirit grows inside of them.”
Whatever you experience at this time of year, recognize that sadness is allowed because death and grief doesn’t take a holiday.
Children’s Health Queensland Bereavement Service offers connections, guidance, information and resources for bereaved family members, their community of support and professionals who care for them.