Five tips to help with back to school anxiety (not just for children)

It’s that time again, when the freedom of holiday sleep-ins and play dates are replaced by the routine and structure of heading back to school.

It’s a big adjustment for families having to schedule school drop-offs, pick-ups, packed lunches and homework, and for first timers there’s the fear of the unknown – new faces and places – to add to the equation.

All this change means starting or returning to school can be an emotionally turbulent time for some children and it’s perfectly normal for parents to also have their reservations.

Here’s a five tips to help your child (and you!) deal with any ‘back to school’ worries or anxiety.

1. Mum and Dad, take care of yourself!

Going to school is a time for your child to expand the circle of people they can trust, be exposed to different values and manage an increasingly complex way of interacting with others.

Parents and carers can react to this in a variety of ways.

If you’re worried, know that you’re not alone, it’s common for parents to worry about how their child will manage.

Try to not let these feelings overwhelm you as it’s important for you to be a positive role model for your child. Children can be highly attuned to parents’ feelings so be aware that your child may sense your distress, which may in turn affect the way they look at school.

It can be helpful to talk to other parents about how you are feeling, or perhaps consider how you could be involved in your child’s education or school community, for example with the P&C.

Most importantly, allow yourself and your child to feel excited about starting school. Praise them when you see them doing something quite grown-up and allow yourself to enjoy it.

2. Look for signs your child is anxious.

If your child is acting a bit out of sorts, they may have some unresolved feelings about starting school.

Kids don’t always tell us what’s going on so it’s useful to watch their behaviour for answers with common behaviours including:

• being clingy
• being emotionally withdrawn
• being aggressive
• misbehaving or refusing to follow the rules
• crying and throwing tantrums
• having trouble eating and sleeping
• reverting to younger behaviours (like thumb sucking)

There is no ‘right way’ to talk about school anxiety with your child beyond trying to be sensitive to what you know about them and what they might be experiencing.

If you feel your child will not respond well to direct questions try being curious and wondering out loud about things (their behaviour, how school will be full of surprises and what that might be like) so your child can join in.

3. Getting ready for the big day

The week before

• Prepare your child for the new school routine by visiting the school and practising what ‘going to school’ might look like. This will help them become familiar with the new surroundings and the journey.
• Write a story with your child about a new school can help them to talk about their feelings around the impending change.
• Playing school with your child at home is a great way to have fun and build excitement and readiness.
• Practice getting dressed for school and packing lunch boxes with your child to support their sense of independence. It can also be helpful to support your child’s sense of maturity by giving them new responsibilities such as contributing to their food choices for their lunchbox or choosing their ‘school’ haircut.
• Try to arrange play dates with other children who will be attending the same school in advance. This will help them feel a sense of comfort and security on their first day.
• Encourage your child’s social and learning skills to give them the best start to their education. For example, practise the back-and-forth of conversation and chat about social rules using questions like: “We have to wait to have our chance to speak, don’t we?” Listening and following instructions is a big part of adapting to school life. Practise these skills by asking questions like: “Now that I’ve shown you how to mix the cordial, let’s see if you can do it by yourself!”
• If you think the first week will be challenging from a time-management perspective, cook some meals you can freeze to free up more time with your child after school.

The night before

• Organisation is key so have your child’s uniform laid out and help them pack their bag.
• Most importantly, stick to familiar routines as much as possible and have a calm evening allowing extra time to settle before bedtime if your child is nervous or excited about starting school.
• Make sure you have enough sleep.

The first day of school

• To minimise the expected ‘first day stress’ for both you and your children, allow extra time to get ready in the morning – and don’t forget the important ‘first day of school’ photo.
• On the way to school, try talking positively about what your child will do while they are away from you (e.g. you will have story time, you are going to have fun meeting new children). This will help promote positive images of school experiences.
• Once at school, develop a positive goodbye routine with your child (e.g. sharing a special high five, hug or loving gesture). Avoiding lengthy goodbyes is key. When saying goodbye always reassure your child you (or someone else they know) will be there to collect them at the end of the day. This will help manage any separation distress, build trust and create a sense of security for them. You can look for cues from your child’s teacher, as they will already be establishing a routine to support your child to feel comfortable and their role includes helping children separate from their parents.
• Chat with your child about who they might like to call (grandparent/uncle/friend) after school to let them know all about it. Calling a grandparent who hasn’t been to school for years or a family with a toddler who has yet to start can make your child the “expert” on how it works which can generate a great sense of self-esteem.

At the end of the day

• When you collect your child, be ready to listen to their experiences of their first day. Notice things that went well, and if necessary, support them around difficulties. Remember that transitioning into school does not happen in one day.
• Ask them some questions about what they did, but not too many – remember, your child may be exhausted so give them some down time or they may become overwhelmed. Share about your day and let them know you were thinking about them.
• The first day is a huge milestone to achieve so consider rewarding your child with a special activity or family dinner over the weekend.
• If it’s helpful arrive early and meet some of the other parents for a chat before the bell rings.

It’s important to remember that every child and family is different – you will have good days and may have some more challenging days. There is no set time for how long it will take your child to settle into a new school but, generally, most feelings around starting school tend to be short-lived.

Finally, keep in mind these tips are suggestions only and you know best what is going to suit your child and family.

Among all the preparations for getting ready for school, take the time to celebrate this next phase for your family. As a parent, you know and have nurtured your child’s strengths, their capacity to be kind, manage challenges, learn new things and trust others. Take time to be proud of them and enjoy seeing them take these strengths into the world.

If you need help

If you have ongoing concerns about your child settling into school, please ask for help as early as possible. For further support, contact:

• your local GP (they can discuss private psychological referral options if required)
• your child’s school support staff (e.g. guidance counsellor, teacher or principal)
• your local Child and Youth Mental Health Service
• Parentline on 1300 30 1300, from 8am-10pm, seven days a week.